Answering a child's
questions about gay parents
Jan Faull from the
Web, January 26, 2008
Q: How much information
is appropriate to give young children (6-8 years) about gay families?
Evidently, my daughter has a gay family in her classroom, and I want her to
understand and be tolerant. She asked specifically how a mommy gets a baby
with no daddy.
A: You need only tell your child that families come in many forms.
Most families have a mom and a dad; some only one dad or one mom; and some, two
moms or two dads. Include the fact that sometimes grandparents raise
grandchildren. There are foster families and parents who adopt children
and some couples and adults who have no children but help raise their nephews
and nieces.
Do you know how this gay couple acquired their child? Did they adopt?
Did one of the moms receive artificial insemination? If a family had two
dads, you might need to explain about a surrogate mother. If you know the
particulars, you can explain as simply as possible about adoption, artificial
insemination or a surrogate mother. Your child will not understand every
word and more questions may follow but most important is to respond.
Your answer may lead to another question. You may need to explain that for
a fetus to develop in a woman's womb, it takes a sperm from a male, but the
sperm can find its way there in a number of ways. As you offer your
explanation, you'll sift it through your own personal values. That's why
it's important to respond.
If you sidestep the question, your child will get the message that you're
uncomfortable and will protect you from further embarrassment by asking someone
else. Who will she turn to? A peer? The Internet? A
teacher? A Scout leader? A book? Your child will receive bits
and pieces of information from any and all of these sources, eventually coming
up with her own explanation, but wouldn't you like your child to hear an
explanation from you first?
Even if you can't come up with the perfect response, say something. You
can always come back to this topic, adding or deleting information, as the days,
weeks, months and years go by.
Q: My daughter, age 5, asked, "Will you die someday?" I
didn't know what to say, but I did tell her the truth. She cried and
remained worried for a few days. Did I do right by telling her the truth
that someday I will die?
A: As hard as it is, it's best to tell the truth in this matter.
Say something to the effect of, "Yes, someday I will die. It won't be for
a long time, when I'm very old. You'll be a grown lady when I die."
Now we all know that this may not be the perfect truth — any parent could die in
a car accident or from cancer — but there's no need to burden young children
with these possibilities.
This conversation disturbs parents because it takes away a child's innocence.
To script it more carefully, you can add, "Before I die, you'll graduate from
high school, you'll likely get married and have your own children, you'll live
in your own home and have a job." By saying this, you give your child a
picture of her life ahead.
I remember asking my mother at age 10 what would happen to me and my sisters if
she and my daddy were to die in an airplane crash. She said that we would
live with Uncle Gale and Aunt Janie. I remember thinking, "OK." I
never thought another thing about it.
Children need to know that if something unforeseen happens to their mom and dad
that someone would be there to care for and love them. I knew my aunt and
uncle would do so.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior,
answers readers' questions on parenting and development in her column.
E-mail her at janfaull@aol.co or write to:
Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
More columns at
www.seattletimes.com/columnists
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