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seattlepi.com
Are parents playing
straight with gay kid?
By CAROLYN HAX,
SYNDICATED COLUMNIST from the Web, February 12, 2008
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I've been kind
of peeved at my folks for what I see as disparate treatment between my sister
and me. My partner and I asked Mom and Dad for help ($5,000) with the down
payment on our house; they said no. That was understandable to me, until
they agreed to pay over $10,000 for my sister's wedding less than a year later.
Am I right to be peeved, or are these just two different things? Does it
matter that I'm gay in a state where wedding bells will not be ringing for me
anytime soon?
-- Ohio
Dear Ohio: I don't know, does it? Certainly on the surface it looks
like it matters, but then, it's also possible it doesn't; your parents wouldn't
be the first to have seemingly illogical, under-examined attitudes toward giving
money to their grown kids.
Some won't give a nickel for grad school, for example, but will pay for
weddings, and haven't thought through the possibility that one kid might never
get married, or that tuition money often multiplies while wedding cash goes in a
shredder.
So, you can do a couple of things -- but only after you shake enough anger out
of your tone to make a credible case for being curious, or patient, or
accepting. Anger will only trigger your parents' defenses, whether you
approach them about this or not.
First, you can ask your parents why helping with a wedding is OK when helping
with a home purchase isn't.
Or, you can skip the conversation and tell yourself, well, maybe marriage will
be an option 10 years from now, and you can collect your $10,000 then.
Or, you can throw in some deep breathing and realize you're a grown-up and your
parents are, too, and you're all free to make your own choices. You're
going to want love, approval and fairness, of course, but you're not entitled to
money.
If you have a bigger issue with the amount of emotional support your parents
provide, then deal with the bigger issue; any mention of money will only weaken
your point.
Carolyn Hax's column runs in the P-I Monday through Saturday,
and every day at
seattlepi.com. Send e-mail to
tellme@washpost.com; or write: Tell Me About It, c/o The Washington
Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071. Chat online
with Carolyn each Friday at 9 a.m. Pacific time at
washingtonpost.com.
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