|
The New York Times
in
the region
Parenting
For Gay Teenagers,
Hope in Numbers
 |
|
Joyce Dopkeen/The New York Times
Michael Moreno, 15, and his stepfather, Hector Ramos,
at the gay-straight conference. |
By MICHAEL WINERIP,
nytimes.com on the Web, December 16, 2007
WHITE PLAINS -- MICHAEL
MORENO, a 15-year-old 10th grader from Brewster, could not believe what he was
seeing as he walked into the big hall at the Westchester County Center, and he
grew quiet. There, for as far as the eye could see, were hundreds of boys
and girls who belonged to gay-straight clubs at area middle schools and high
schools.
“This is a great moment for him,” said his stepfather, Hector Ramos. “He’s
always felt so isolated.”
Michael had so been looking forward to the daylong PrideWorks conference that
he’d jumped out of bed that morning at 5:30. He was so happy and nervous,
he kept forgetting basic pieces of information. “Dad, what’s my cellphone
number?” he asked at one point.
The boy has felt different forever, long before he had a name for it, at least
since age 5, he said. He told his mom when he was in the eighth grade, and
she wasn’t surprised. “She figured how I was,” said Michael.
“He’d hang out with the girls, not the boys,” said Anna Trejo, his mother, a
court worker.
“He had female tendencies and a sensitive part,” said Mr. Ramos, a flooring
contractor.
For these differences, Michael suffered. He was treated for depression.
Knowing no one like himself, he spent long hours on the computer. Several
months ago he told his parents he’d met a nice boy from Australia online and
wanted to bring him here for a visit. “He wanted us to pay for it,” said
Mr. Ramos. “He was upset when we wouldn’t.”
How does a parent make friends for a child? “I had this weight on my
shoulders,” said Ms. Trejo. “I didn’t know where to go and what to do.
As his mother, I can help him only so much.” Which is why the family had
put a good deal of hope in the conference here. As Michael said: “I
was feeling kind of lonely and stuff. I wanted to meet people.”
This was the ninth year of the PrideWorks gathering, which is put on by the
Hudson Valley chapter of the Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network.
The conference is sponsored by numerous community groups, including a local
Merrill Lynch office, the Westchester-Putnam School Boards Association, the
Westchester-East Putnam Region PTA and a state senator, Suzi Oppenheimer, a
Democrat from Mamaroneck.
In the beginning, in 1999, there were no students, just 125 adults, mostly
educators who worked with gay children. This year, there were about 200
adults along with 300 boys and girls. Some, like Michael, attended with
their parents. More arrived in school buses with their Gay Straight
Alliance clubs.
At the outset, each of the 40 school delegations was announced, and the hall
filled with cheers and woo-woos. There were 20 students from Eastchester
High, 21 from Tuckahoe High, 22 from Putnam Valley High, 24 from Rye Middle
School. In the spirit of gay-straight clubs, while many were gay, some
were straight and supportive.
Michael Campion, 17, who is president of the Lakeland High club and straight,
persuaded his dad, Norman, the police chief of Briarcliff Manor, to run a
seminar that discussed legal protections for gays and police prejudices.
Much of the day was filled with hourlong seminars: Coming Out — How, When,
Where?; Gay Straight Alliance in Middle School; Hip-Hop and Homophobia; What Is
Transgender?; Healthy Relationships for Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender Youth.
But the heart of things for these teenagers was just being with and talking to
and seeing so many others like themselves. “When I first walked in, I felt
like crying,” said Brian Lindley, 14. “So many people were meeting so many
people for the first time.”
Brian came out in seventh grade. “I’d be walking in the hallway, and kids
would yell ‘fag!’ ” he said. In eighth grade, he said, a group of boys in
gym told him he had to wait for them to leave the locker room before changing
into his gym uniform. “I didn’t want to make a big deal, so I just
waited,” he said. Then the gym teacher asked why he wasn’t getting dressed
with the others. “I said because I’m gay and they don’t feel it’s
appropriate. He said, ‘I can’t say I disagree with them.’ ”
It got so bad that Brian’s family discussed moving to another school district.
“We didn’t want Brian to be known as the gay kid his whole high school career,”
said Andrea Werner, who lives with Brian’s divorced dad and is helping raise the
boy. At the end of eighth grade she took Brian for a daylong visit to John
Jay High in Katonah, which, unlike the high school in the district where Brian
had been living, has a gay-straight club. “I loved it there,” Brian said.
“I didn’t say much about it to anybody, but I felt secure there.” Last
summer, they moved to Katonah, and Brian is now a freshman at John Jay.
“It’s just nice to be able to walk down the hallway without people screaming at
you,” he said.
Linda Barat’s son, Robert, 17, a junior at New Rochelle High, came out to her
last spring when she was driving him to Hebrew school. At the time, she
didn’t have a clue. “He just said, ‘Mom?’ ‘Uh-huh.’ ‘I’m gay.’
I’m driving along. What do I say? I said, ‘O.K., I love you.’ ”
Robert was not happy when his mom pulled him away from lunch at the conference
to talk to a reporter; he’d been busy meeting kids.
Was he surprised, he was asked, to find so many gay teenagers in one place?
“Surprised?” he said. “Not really ... well ... yeah.” When told he
could go back to lunch, he looked like he’d just hit the Powerball lottery.
“Nice meeting you,” he called, racing out of the room.
“I’m sorry about that,” his mom said, “but it’s wonderful there are so many
people here for him.”
While a few students had brightly dyed hair and exotic piercings and dressed
Goth, most wore the standard teenage uniform, a hooded sweatshirt and jeans,
which pleased Mr. Ramos. “I was telling Michael on the way here, I don’t
want him to be overly flamboyant in his sexuality,” he said. “Same as
straight people, we’re not going to throw it in their faces and they’re not in
our faces.”
Michael didn’t talk much during the four seminars he attended that day. “I
talked a little bit,” he said. “I was still getting warmed up. I’m
so new to it, I’m still getting used to it.”
His parents, however, could tell what the day meant. “Every time I looked
at Michael,” said his mom, “all I could see was a big, cheesy smile.” He
told her he was thinking about going to an empowerment retreat next month.
“For him to see that there’s all this out there,” she said, “a positive life
where he never has to be ashamed or put his head down...”
That night, when Ms. Barat and her son, Robert, got home, they went over the day
in great detail. At one point, the mother asked Robert if he was sure he
felt comfortable being quoted in the newspaper.
“Definitely,” said Robert. “I’m tired of people assuming I’m straight.”
E-mail:
parenting@nytimes.com
|
