Conn. lawmaker
changes debate by coming out
By Ethan Jacobs, from
baywindows.com from the Web, April 19, 2007
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| Rep. Beth Bye.
Photo: Connecticut House Democrats. |
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It’s no exaggeration to say that by
coming out to her fellow judiciary committee members at the April 12 committee
hearing on a same-sex marriage bill, Connecticut state Rep. Beth Bye helped
change the course of the same-sex marriage movement in Connecticut. Not
that Bye was in the closet; the freshman lawmaker ran for office as an openly
gay candidate and received the endorsement of the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund,
and she lists her partner Tracey in her biography on her official website.
But as a new lawmaker who had been relatively silent up until that hearing on
LGBT issues, she estimates at least half of her colleagues on the committee were
unaware she was gay. That all changed when she addressed the committee and
told them that, unlike the other lawmakers debating the pros and cons of
same-sex marriage, she actually understood the issue firsthand because she and
her partner were in a civil union.
Bye told the story of how her father, a devout Catholic who didn’t attend his
brother’s wedding because the brother had been divorced, was supportive of her
relationship to her partner, Tracey, and treated the two of them as a married
couple. She described her father walking down the aisle during their civil
union ceremony and lighting a unity candle with Tracey’s father.
Bye also spoke in personal terms about why the state’s civil union law did not
go far enough. She talked about going for her mammogram appointment and,
under the section of the medical form asking her marital status, being forced to
check “other” because it was the only option that fit. On her partner’s
pension fund, she said she was listed as “husband.”
“Though some of you may say, ‘Oh, they’re just trivial differences,’ I’m the
only one sitting here who’s living it every day, and I tell you, it’s not
trivial. I am other. I hope one day to be married in the eyes of the
civil law, and forgive me if I’m not patient. I don’t think it’s a thing
that’s just a matter of time. I don’t want to be other anymore. I
want to be married,” said Bye.
Throughout her speech Bye repeatedly and visibly fought to hold back tears, and
she was particularly overcome when describing how her father understood that
being gay was an essential part of who she was, just as being athletic and being
curious were essential parts of her being. She joked at the hearing that
by tearing up she had condemned herself to winding up on the front of the paper,
and she was right; the next day the Hartford Courant ran a photo of her on its
front page holding her head in her hands after breaking down in tears. Bye
told Bay Windows she was unprepared for her own emotional reaction to talking
about being gay.
“I was more emotional than I wanted to be in my testimony,” said Bye. “I
realized I don’t think I ever in public called myself gay, so in my speech …
when I said, ‘I am gay,’ I just have to say, it just welled up inside of me
like, I’ve never said that.”
Yet it may have been that display of emotion that led to a vote that was beyond
the expectations of same-sex marriage supporters. Bye said lawmakers and
advocates pushing for this session’s same-sex marriage bill did not expect it
pass the legislature, but they hoped to hold hearings on the bill and pass it
out of the House judiciary committee to build the groundwork for its passage in
later sessions. Both Bye and Anne Stanback, executive director of Love
Makes a Family, the lead same-sex marriage advocacy organization in the state,
said they expected the same-sex marriage bill to pass in the committee by at
most one or two votes. Then Bye gave her speech, and the old plan went out
the window. The marriage bill won in the committee by a staggering 27-15
vote.
“It was one of those days where everything went right and all of our swing votes
swung the right way,” said Stanback. “I tend to be the eternal optimist
and I hadn’t given up on any of them, but what we thought was going to happen
was we would win by maybe a vote.”
Stanback said Bye’s speech proved a decisive factor in getting members of the
committee to support the bill.
“She really put herself out there and spoke from the heart, and that is exactly
what moved legislators. It moved them when they heard it from
constituents, but it moves them in a whole different way when they hear it from
a colleague, and especially a colleague they like and respect as much as Beth,”
said Stanback.
There were other factors that helped tip the balance on the committee in favor
of the marriage proponents. Both of the chairs of the judiciary committee,
Sen. Andrew McDonald and Rep. Michael Lawlor, are openly gay, and Bye said both
of them repeatedly urged their colleagues not to cast a vote that would place
them “on the wrong side of history.” Stanback said opponents of same-sex
marriage on the committee made speeches full of “misinformation and fear,”
turning off potential fence-sitters.
The end result of that vote was that the same-sex marriage bill has far more
momentum than proponents anticipated.
“I really think we underestimated, me too, how far this could go this year … I
really think the momentum came in that meeting, some of it,” said Bye.
“There aren’t many surprises by the time you get to vote, but it’s just a sign
of how close Connecticut residents are, it’s like there are more people on the
fence than we thought. It’s a sign that the movement is moving faster than
anticipated. People are seeing their way to accept this, and [with the
creation of] civil unions, the sky is not falling.”
Stanback said Love Makes a Family and its allies are currently counting heads in
preparation for a House vote on the marriage legislation. They are lining
up their supporters, identifying potential swing votes, and making contact with
those swings to try to sway them to their side. House Speaker James Amann
opposes same-sex marriage but told the Connecticut Post that if proponents of
the bill pull together a majority to support it, he will allow it to come up for
a debate. Stanback said Love Makes a Family will be working over the next
couple weeks to try to pull together that majority.
“I think if we can get close and continue the momentum that we have right now,
we can convince him to have a vote, even if we’re a few votes short. We
have seen at every step of the way, in the civil union debate two years ago and
in the judiciary public debate this year, those debates, which for some bills
are just wasted time, in this case they really do have an impact,” said Stanback.
She said a House debate on the marriage bill is likely to shift even more
support to their side.
Another obstacle facing the marriage bill is Gov. M. Jodi Rell, who has
repeatedly said she opposes same-sex marriage, despite signing the civil union
law. Stanback said Rell’s opposition has not dissuaded Love Makes a
Family’s efforts, and she believes Rell can be moved. She said she hopes
to have Rell meet same-sex couples to listen to their personal stories about
marriage and civil unions, saying that similar meetings have changed the minds
of many lawmakers.
“I just am not willing to accept [Rell’s stated opposition to same-sex marriage]
as a final word,” said Stanback.
As for Bye, she said the response she has received from her colleagues has been
uniformly positive and supportive. She received a steady stream of
positive e-mails from people in her district, and the handful of negative
e-mails she received came from outside the district.
Bye said the speech was a departure from how she normally approaches talking to
people about being gay. She prefers educating people by simply living her
life openly and proudly. Bye and her partner hosted dinners for the
freshman lawmakers at their home on multiple occasions, and she also invited the
legislature’s female lawmakers into her home.
“I did make a point to have people over here but not have a speech about gay
rights so people could see, it’s just the everyday,” said Bye.
Yet after speaking with advocates and her colleagues pushing for the amendment,
she realized her personal story could help sway people in the debate.
“When it came time to vote, I couldn’t not say anything as the only one sitting
there with a civil union,” said Bye.
ejacobs@baywindows.com
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