Family Forward: My
real-life "Brokeback" heroes
by Rena Seltzer,
planetout.com/families from the Web, March 18, 2006
The film "Brokeback Mountain" lays
bare the tragic fallout of an intolerant society and sets its story against
visually stunning mountain scenery. The juxtaposition reminded me all too
vividly of my only trip to Montana.
 |
|
| Unidentified photo with article. |
|
In the summer of 2000, some good
friends, a lesbian couple and their baby boy, moved out West after one of the
moms accepted a tenure-track position at the University of Montana. A year
and a half later, they joined another couple as plaintiffs in an ACLU-sponsored
lawsuit requesting partner health insurance benefits from the university.
Shortly after the lawsuit was announced, I received a call. Someone had
broken into my friends' home in the middle of the night and started a fire.
They woke to a home filled with smoke, dashed through the hall to the baby's
room, and escaped with him through a bedroom window.
Although one of the women suffered from smoke inhalation, the injury was not
serious. But both women were traumatized, their house was destroyed and
they lost most of their belongings. Several days before the fire, they had
received a threatening letter, so it seemed pretty clear that this was a hate
crime perpetrated by someone angry about the lawsuit.
A week later, I stepped off a plane into an airport that looked like a ski lodge
and walked out into a valley surrounded by snow-covered mountains. I drove
to the hotel where my friends had taken shelter, and when they opened the door
to their room I was immediately hit by the smell of smoke. The odor
permeated everything they had salvaged from their home. The stench of
smoke made the fire viscerally real to me.
It was an odd visit. As I did errands for my friends, shopping to replace
items they had lost in the fire, I somewhat guiltily enjoyed seeing new scenery
and exploring a new place. Shopkeepers, cashiers and waiters were kind and
friendly, although I couldn't help wondering, "Which side are you on?"
The university neighborhood where I was staying looked so normal, with students
zipping around on mountain bikes. But the arsonists had not been caught
(and never were). Did they live in town? Out in the mountains?
One day we drove halfway up a mountain to stop by a friend's rustic home.
The place was lovely, but I was relieved that my friends were not staying in
that isolated spot.
The trip was a cross between a vacation and a critical-incident stress
debriefing. At some point, I realized that enjoying the beautiful scenery
did not diminish my support of my friends. But I still find the presence
of all that hate in all that beauty to be disturbing.
"Brokeback Mountain" was an excellent movie, but too close to reality for me.
I wanted a fantasy ending: The cowboys buy a little ranch together and
ride off into the sunset. But their fates are much worse. And when I
remember the smell of smoke and the black interior of my friends' former home, I
can't harbor any fantasies that hatred does not exist.
Several years later, the court ruled in my friends' favor. But their
experience was much worse than I can convey in a short article. Being a
hero is harder than it looks.
When the dust settles, it is the heroes' lives that have fallen apart.
They must put the pieces back together -- mostly by themselves. And some
of those pieces are shattered beyond recognition, so their new lives are now
very different from what they had been before the crisis.
Rena Seltzer, ACSW, is a personal and professional coach who
offers tele-groups on topics including LGBT professionals, singles seeking a
partner, parenting and coming out. In addition, Rena specializes in work
with academics and physicians. She works by telephone with e-mail support
and can be reached at
Rena@arborconnect.com.
|
