Berzon dies, but
advice for gay couples endures
Deb Price,
Columnists, detroitnews.com, January 30, 2006
What gay young adult -- or
not-so-young adult -- couldn't have used a wise, supportive parent's advice on
making a loving gay relationship last forever?
For the many thousands of us fortunate enough to get acquainted with her
insights, Betty Berzon became our surefooted guide to navigating the bumps every
couple hits as well as the nasty potholes that a hostile world puts in the paths
of those of us who're gay.
Berzon, a psychotherapist whose gay-affirming books include the classic
"Permanent Partners: Building Gay and Lesbian Relationships That Last,"
died Jan. 24 of breast cancer at age 78. She is survived by her permanent
partner, Teresa DeCrescenzo, and by her strong, nurturing words on how to create
and sustain lifelong relationships in a world aggressively trying to undermine
us.
The secret to relationship building, Berzon told me nearly a decade ago, is to
"assume permanence," assume there is no exit: "Once I crossed that line
and accepted that this is the relationship that I am always going to be in, it
made everything so much easier. I had always run away when there was
conflict. And there was no running away. One just had to stick it
out and work it out."
Together, Joyce and I took those words to heart -- and celebrated our 20th
anniversary last summer.
But what's the first right step? Well, Berzon would advise, if you've just
fallen for someone, don't live together immediately.
Court -- yes, her word -- for six months. And ask yourself whether your
new love is comfortable expressing feelings, doesn't flee from conflict and
shares similar interests. "Such a period of courtship would greatly
improve the odds against breakups," she explained.
Next, make sure just the two of you are in the relationship: Discomfort
with being gay, being closeted and unresolved childhood problems crowd out
happiness.
And make sure not to sing what Berzon heard so often in counseling more than
1,000 couples that she dubbed it the Gay National Anthem: "Why don't we
just break up?"
"Instead of, 'I want to break up,' how about 'I want to tell you what I'm
unhappy about'?"
She explained, "Few things are as destructive to a couple's sense of well-being
as this insidious invocation of the power of one partner over the other to bring
the whole structure crashing down around their ears." In other words,
don't anticipate failure.
And don't fear conflict: "In a good fight, tension is reduced, and
intimacy is enhanced. One comes away having learned something that,
potentially, will improve the relationship."
A relationship is stronger, Berzon noted, when virtually all resources are
pooled. She cited a study showing that same-sex couples who don't merge
their money are more likely to break up. Keeping finances separate signals
a lack of commitment. Shared money makes a shared future easier to
envision.
And, Berzon stresses, self-respecting gay adults must stand our ground with our
parents.
"Allowing them to participate in your adult life is your gift to them," she
explains. "It does come with a price tag, however. Their
participation has to be respectful of who and what you are. You wouldn't
let a destructive child run rampant and unchecked through your home, I'm sure.
Why then would you let a parent, bent on destruction, run rampant through your
relationship?"
Berzon's wisdom outlives her. Countless couples will forever be guided by
her firm, maternal hand.
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