Marriage unlocks a
world of benefits
By Deb Price / The
Detroit News from the Web, May 10, 2005
Readying themselves for tuition
sticker shock, Gary Chalmers and Rich Linnell started early on a college fund
for their daughter Paige, who turns 13 shortly.
That family project got a welcome $320-a-month boost last May 17, when Gary and
Rich were among the first gay couples to legally wed in this nation.
"I was able to add Rich to my health plan," says Chalmers, a curriculum
coordinator at a public elementary school. "We've redirected that into
Paige's college fund. That definitely makes us feel great."
One of the seven couples who won the breakthrough ruling that opened marriage to
Massachusetts' gay residents, they were prepared for the financial benefits that
flow from marriage.
What took them and the other newlyweds by surprise, the seven couples told me,
was how marriage transported them emotionally: They feel less fragile,
less vulnerable, more respected, more connected.
"I didn't expect it to feel different," says Rob Compton, a dental researcher at
Harvard. "But when I woke up (the next day) and David was next to me, I
thought, 'My God, this is my legal next of kin.' We had the love and the
commitment. But (now) not only do our neighbors and friends recognize us
as a legally related couple, so does the whole commonwealth of Massachusetts."
Small gestures make the couples feel more knit into the fabric of society.
Maureen Brodoff was delighted when an acquaintance recently said, "You must be
getting close to celebrating an anniversary."
And Gina Nortonsmith cherishes the memory of the Quaker ceremony she had with
Heidi. Witnesses there signed a statement "to support us and be with us in
the hard times," she says.
Being legally wed has definitely helped when life threw curve balls:
Gina Nortonsmith, a lawyer, was laid off. The blow was softened because
her former employer recognized her marriage and extended COBRA health coverage
to Heidi and their sons.
Health crises -- including a split lip sustained while rescuing a daughter's toy
from a tree -- landed three couples in emergency rooms. But, unlike in the
past, none had trouble having their relationship honored. The word
"married" worked wonders.
"It was like the parting of the seas," recalls Ed Balmelli, who had heart attack
symptoms and told the hospital staff "my husband" was on his way. "I
didn't have to fear they wouldn't help me because I was gay. It was so
comforting."
While Julie and Hillary Goodridge shared a name before marrying, two of the
other couples took a family name afterward.
Linda Bailey-Davies says sharing a name with Gloria after three decades together
tells the world they're married -- a status that emboldens them. Walking
the beach near their Cape Cod home, they used to stop holding hands if a
stranger approached. "If one of us starts to pull away now, the other one
holds on," says Linda.
"We're taking steps, little by little, to claim what is ours," adds Gloria, who
turns 65 this summer. Her favorite bonuses of marriage include qualifying
for a joint long-term care policy and knowing they can live together in a
nursing home if necessary. "It feels so different to have that security.
Whatever we have to face, we at least know we can face it together."
While they and more than 5,000 other gay couples now receive all the state-level
rights and privileges of marriage, they are still treated as single by the
federal government.
But state marriage gives Julie Goodridge psychic permission to trust the
permanence of the life she and Hillary began building 18 years ago. "I
used to feel this impending doom, that regardless of our commitment, that there
was a chance we'd say, 'I just can't do this anymore,' " Julie says. "Now
Hillary can come down and say, 'I hate all the living-room furniture,' and I
don't feel like I have to react."
Only a heart can calculate the most valuable benefits of marriage.
You can reach Deb Price at (202) 906-8205 or
dprice@detnews.com.
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