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Honey, I'm GayWhen the man in your life comes outBy KARYN D. COLLINS, Asbury Park Press November 17, 2004First, you cry. Your husband or significant other has just told you that he is gay. You're in shock. Disbelief. It would be one thing if it were just a breakup or an affair with another woman. But another man? How do you fight back when your man is sleeping with another man? You may get angry. You may ask yourself: How could he do this to me? How could he do this to our family? You may have doubts -- about yourself, about everything you thought you knew. Did he ever really love you? Was it all a lie? You may wonder if you ever can trust again. When Gov. McGreevey officially steps down on Monday, much of the focus will be on the political ramifications of his resignation, his coming out as a gay man and the "he said, he said" scandal with Golan Cipel, his former homeland security adviser. McGreevey says he had a consensual affair with Cipel; Cipel claims he was a victim of sexual harassment. But for women, there's another story -- that of the governor's wife, Dina Matos McGreevey. Forget about if and when she knew. Ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of men who have come out say Dina McGreevey's biggest issue is: What next? "I remember thinking, 'Dammit. Why? Why is this happening to me?' " says Lori Anne Oliwa, 42, of Red Bank, recalling her feelings of nearly 20 years ago when her boyfriend of four years -- her almost-fiance -- told her he was gay. "I don't think I was so much angry as I was so disappointed. We were going to get married. We were going to have this wonderful life. We had talked about how we would get married and have kids and have a house in Westchester and another house on the Jersey Shore." For married women, the feelings are even more acute, says a Bergen County woman who leads a North Jersey branch of the Straight Spouse Network, an international group that provides support for men and women whose spouses have come out as gay or lesbian. She recalls her feelings of nearly a decade ago when her husband revealed he was gay. They are now divorced. "I was very upset. I was devastated. My life changed overnight," says the woman, who usually uses a pseudonym in interviews to protect her gay ex-husband, who still has not come out to his professional colleagues. "We had been married for 28 years. We had two children. We were going to be empty-nesters very soon. My life would be easy. We were going to take trips. "I had all of these plans and then suddenly, with the words 'I'm gay,' that all changed." After your partner comes out, every aspect of life is immediately different, says Amity Pierce Buxton, an author on the subject and executive director of the Straight Spouse Network. "Your world is turned upside down. Gender isn't what you thought it was. Marriage isn't what you thought it was," says Buxton, whose husband came out to her after 25 years of marriage and two kids. "You thought you were marrying a man who was attracted to you as a woman. Instead, he's attracted to a man," Buxton says. "There's this whole thing of being rejected. You have your own identity crisis. "Your own moral compass is pretty shattered. You no longer know true from false. Your world view, your belief system is turned upside down." The impact, these women say, stays with you long after the initial shock. "To this day, I do worry about myself sometimes and my attractions to certain people because of my experience," Oliwa says. "You start looking for signs. You start reading things into situations. If someone tells you where they were, you question that. You watch how they act with certain people. "You question a smile, a laugh, a look, a touch on the shoulder. Was that a pat on the back or something else? Sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it and then you catch yourself and say, 'Oh my God, what am I doing?' " When it comes to a couple's immediate future, there are no simple answers. Many couples eventually separate; others try to stay together. "I've met some women who are so angry that they never want to see him again," says the Bergen County support-group leader. The McGreeveys, married for four years, apparently plan to divorce. Dina McGreevey has filed a notice of intent to purchase a house in Springfield. Recent news reports say the governor will move to an apartment in Rahway. Women who have been through the ordeal themselves say it took about a year to really recover and start pulling their lives back together. "You have to figure it all out for yourself, and there are so many ways to go," Buxton says. "Are you going to leave? Are you going to say, 'OK, let's work on it?' "Does he want to just be out of the marriage or does he want to be with both men and women as a bisexual? Can you handle that emotionally? "What about what you want? What about your needs?" she adds. Some couples who have split manage to remain friends. "My ex-husband and I are still friends. I work for him part time," the Bergen County woman says. "I've been taking care of his father since he had a stroke. "My ex-husband and his partner spend the holidays with me and the children. We've gone on vacations together. It hasn't always been easy. We've had some rough moments. But it works for us. That's not how it is for everybody," she adds. If the couple have children, there is another layer to deal with. While every family is different, women who have been through this experience and have counseled others say very young children and adult children tend to cope better than middle-school and high-school-age kids. "Children, in general, are more concerned about divorce than they are about their parents being gay. Being gay just makes all the divorce issues worse," says Buxton, author of the book "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families" (John Wiley and Sons, $18.95). "Middle-school kids have the hardest time. They're dealing with their own sexuality and their own identity and plans for the future. They don't want anyone to know their parent is gay," Buxton says. "If it happens when the child is very young, it may not be a big deal that Daddy is gay. And parents should remember not to tell their child more than they can process. "But these younger children will end up going through the process of dealing with the issue again as they become middle-school age." High-school kids, Buxton says, may dare to tell a friend. "They may feel a little more comfortable with the situation," she says. "College kids are pretty much on their own, so it's often not as much an identity crisis for them personally as an issue of their parents splitting up." In addition to the relationship issues, there are the health risks. This is the age of AIDS. According to 2003 statistics from the National Institutes of Health, 30 percent of the new HIV cases in America were women; 75 percent of those women were infected through heterosexual sex. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, AIDS is the fourth-leading cause of death among American women between the ages of 25 and 44, and is the leading cause of death among African-American women ages 25 to 34. "The first thing I tell women when they call me looking for help is to go get tested. That's a big issue," says the Bergen County support-group leader. "We have members of our group who have contracted sexually transmitted diseases -- not AIDS, but other STDs." But at least they know the truth and are able to get tested. The bombshell book "On The Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of 'Straight' Black Men Who Sleep With Men" by J.L. King (Broadway Books, $21.95) highlights the fact that many men live sexual double lives but don't consider themselves to be closeted gays and, therefore, don't worry about telling their spouses or girlfriends. "These guys don't seem to care. That's scary. I have a problem with men who would do that. I think a lot of gay men have a problem with that attitude, too," says the support-group leader. "Unfortunately, this situation is out there. It exists. There are men who aren't grappling or struggling with identity. They don't consider that they're leading double lives. They're not sorry at all. That's a shame. "The book brought it out into the open but it's not going to change the situation other than to hopefully make women more aware that they have to protect themselves." STRAIGHT SPOUSE NETWORK 8215 Terrace Drive, El Cerrito, CA 94530-3058
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