Student orientation:
More teenage girls are testing gender
boundaries
BY
PEGGY O'CROWLEY, Star-Ledger from the Web, May 26, 2004
Newark, NJ May 25 -- As sexual
standards and practices loosen -- with same-sex marriage in the headlines -- and
as kids are exposed to a hyper-sexual culture at younger ages, experts suspect a
new behavior among teenage girls may be developing.
An increasing number of high school girls and coeds, they say, may be
experimenting with same-sex relationships or acting suggestively with each other
in a bid to attract the opposite sex. Experts who deal with adolescents don't
know how to explain it, even though such behavior can be seen on MTV and in
other youth-oriented media.
Whatever the reason, however, the behavior appears to be happening in suburbia,
at parties where school- and college-age girls kiss each other suggestively in
front of boys.
On campus, in schools like Rutgers University in New Brunswick, where young
women who experiment with same-sex relationships are known as BUGs Bisexual
Until Graduation.
In urban centers such as Newark, where girls who say they are bisexual or
lesbian hang out at the "gay corner" at Broad and Market streets or crowd into
the Friday night dance parties at the African Globe Theatre.
Interviews with dozens of young women, high school health and classroom
teachers, psychologists and other experts who work with teenagers indicate that
more girls and young women are identifying themselves as lesbian or bisexual.
"I'm hearing more of this in my practice," said Karen Zager, a psychologist in
Manhattan and Westchester County and co-author of "The Inside Story on Teen
Girls" (American Psychological Association, $12.95). "A lot of kids are much
more free to say, 'I think I'm bisexual.' It's almost a badge of honor to be
experimenting that way.
"Forty years ago, smoking a cigarette in the school bathroom was bad," said
Zager, who pointed out that, today, not even smoking pot is considered
risk-taking. But she conceded that "in the process of teenagers defining
themselves, this is a new frontier."
"I've heard of this, although I don't know how widespread it is," said the Rev.
Deborah W. Haffner, a Unitarian Universalist minister and teen sexuality expert
who wrote "From Diapers To Dating" and "Beyond the Big Talk," both guides for
parents. "Among some kids, it's the new way to act out and shock their parents."
"Anyone who went to boarding school years ago knows that something like this has
always gone on," said psychiatrist Gabrielle Shapiro, an associate professor of
clinical psychiatry at the University of California-San Diego Medical Center,
who treats adolescents. "In the teen years, it's in the range of normal for
same-sex experimentation. But it used to be behind closed doors. Now kids are
seeing stars kiss each other."
That kiss, of course, is the steamy smooch between pop stars Madonna and Britney
Spears at last year's MTV Video Music Awards show.
But the cultural signs of change go beyond that: the debate over gay marriage,
the growing acceptance of lesbians Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres as role
models, and a television show like "The L Word," about a group of lesbians in
L.A., have made it easier for some young women to acknowledge their sexual
orientation.
A best-selling poster popular among college students, "The Kiss" by photographer
Tanya Chalkin, shows two scantily clad young women lying in bed kissing. In a
recent episode of "The Gilmore Girls," college girls on spring break tell Rory
and her friend Paris that if they kiss each other, they'll bring the boys
around. They do, and it does. A Russian pop duo, Tatu, features two young women
who say they are lovers. And MTV and other programs aimed at youth show same-sex
interaction among girls on spring break specials and other programs.
"In high school, a lot of girls were saying they were lesbian or bisexual," said
Kelly Goutot of Denville, who graduated from high school last year in Fryeburg,
Maine. "I have no idea why."
"The waitresses where I work are doing it right in front of the cooks," said
Melissa Powkowski, 22, of Butler, who works at a chain restaurant in Fairfield.
"They're doing it for attention."
The behavior has led to new terms like "heteroflexible" and "gayish," which
experts say indicates an increasing acceptance of such experimentation.
"Fad is a difficult word; it's not a trend or fad, but they are more fluid with
their sexuality," said Kate McCarthy, the school health coordinator for the
Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, based in New
York.
"A lot of girls are being sexual with other girls," agreed Elizabeth Schroeder,
a Montclair adolescent health consultant who, like McCarthy, travels around the
country training health teachers and talking to adolescents.
Just as these young women defy stereotype, so do the reasons for their sexual
experimentation. With the backdrop of the debate over gay marriage and with
mainstream television shows like "Will and Grace" comes an increasing
acceptability of homosexuality that allows teenagers to come out at earlier ages
or to experiment with same-sex relationships.
At the same time, some young women reject a culture that emphasizes sex over
relationships, in which girls are called "bitches" and exploited in rap lyrics.
Some experts say these women, especially urban, minority girls, are turning to
each other in the search for relationships instead of one-night stands.
Paradoxically, a sexually saturated media, constantly looking to push the
envelope, is depicting sexual activity between girls -- a voyeuristic male
sexual fantasy and a staple of pornography -- as edgy but more mainstream.
As more images of "girl-on-girl action" are seen on shows like MTV's spring
break specials, the more high school- and college-aged girls are seeming to
emulating it, young women said.
"It's very common to see girls making out at parties," said Brandie Engelberger
of Cedar Knolls, a 20-year-old junior at Rutgers in New Brunswick. "I think it's
an attention-getting thing; they are doing it to provoke the guys. They only do
it in front of guys. We call them BUGs -- bisexual until graduation."
The idea that lesbianism or bisexuality is a trend (what in the past has been
called lesbian chic) is disturbing to gay activists. They argue that sexual
orientation is not a choice, and many worry the progress they've made in gaining
acceptance will be eroded if lesbianism is viewed as a fad or a way to titillate
men. Some dismiss the idea of an increase in bisexuality among girls, saying
there is no data to back it up. Many suggest the change is due more to gay youth
identifying at younger ages.
"I don't know that we are seeing more (gay) young people today. I don't think
there's more experimentation going on," said Craig Bowman, executive director of
the National Youth Advisory Coalition, a Washington, D.C., youth advocacy group.
"They are more willing to talk about it and coming out at younger and younger
ages. Anecdotally, we've seen it (the age of coming out) drop significantly. In
1995, the average age of kids starting to identify as gay was 18 and, by 2000,
it was 15."
More parents of teenagers are attending meetings of the North Jersey Parents and
Friends of Lesbian and Gays, or PFLAG, said member Nan Bloom. While in the past
most parents at the meetings had adult children, ages 20 and up, "we've been
seeing it skewing to parents in their 40s with teenagers."
Hannah Lieberman of Westfield, a member whose son is gay, agreed: "When I came
in, I was the only one with a kid. In the last several years, we've seen a
change."
Even if adolescents don't identify as gay, they seem to feel more free to
experiment.
"Kids are always in the business of questioning." said the Rev. Robin Capoor, an
affiliate minister at the Orange Unitarian-Universalist Church, who runs
Rainbows on Cleveland Street in Orange, a support group for teens who are gay,
lesbian, bisexual or questioning their sexual identity. "They need to try on
different hats, and some of these options were never included in the list. Now
things are starting to shift."
While gay youth may be more open, most teenagers and adults who work directly
with kids believe there is more than that going on.
Adolescent psychiatrist Mark Wellek, past president of the American Society for
Adolescent Psychiatry, is certain there has been no increase in homosexual
adolescents, and he also questioned whether same-sex experimentation is more
prevalent, since there is no empirical data to prove it.
He said, however, that girls who do this are not so much looking for attention
from boys, but are doing it "as a way of risk-taking and a way of mastering the
mechanics of relationships. The stakes are not as high with girls than boys.
Relating to boys is a tricky matter. Boys' brains at 15, 16, 17 are not as
developed as girls'."
Whatever the reason, urban girls also are openly displaying same-sex sexual
behavior. On a recent afternoon in Newark, gaggles of girls began to gather at
the busy northeast corner of Broad and Market streets. This little patch of
sidewalk is known as "Gay Corner," where dozens of young women appear after
school on a nice day. It's also the spot where Sakia Gunn, a 15-year-old
lesbian, was stabbed to death on May 11 of last year. Gunn, with her friends,
was waiting for a bus when a man approached them. One of the girls said they
were lesbians, and Gunn was stabbed.
An emotional vigil held two weeks ago at the spot drew hundreds of young
lesbians, Gunn family members and others.
On an typical day, however, the young women greet each other with hugs and
shouts, chatting and roughhousing a bit. Some wear rainbow-patterned dog tags,
belts, bracelets or shoe laces. Some are dressed like young men -- baggy jeans,
white T shirts down to their knees, baseball cap on backwards, which denotes
their status as "AGs" or aggressive girls.
"I want the best of both worlds," said LaShonda Moore, 18, a West Side High
School senior, explaining her bisexuality.
At West Side High School in Newark, where Gunn attended class, students say many
female students claim to be lesbians or bisexuals.
Newark's high schools have responded to the situation by increasing staff
training to help teachers and students deal with it. School dress policy --
which bans any signs of group affiliation, such as gang colors -- now also bans
gay pride rainbow-colored accessories. Nonetheless, when girls leave the school
grounds, they don rainbow pinkie rings, skinny rainbow belts and rainbow
scarves.
"We don't have numbers, but because this is coming up sporadically in some
incidents, we are trying to get our staff aware," said Shirley Grundy, director
of student services. The district has been working with the Gay, Lesbian and
Straight Education Network -- GLSEN, pronounced glisten -- a national gay youth
advocacy group whose staff has been conducting some training sessions.
Teens themselves say, for the most part, gay and bisexual females are accepted
in school. Many say they have known about their attraction to women since grade
school and have no questions about their orientation.
"People just choose to be that way," 16-year-old Venice Brown said with a shrug.
Venice, a West Side junior who said she is an AG, has been aware of her identity
for years.
Lisa Artis, 16, another West Side junior who said she is heterosexual, said
about half the girls at school say they are gay, although she doesn't believe
all are truly homosexual.
"I think they are experimenting, and it's everybody following the leader. I
think they'll change when they get out of high school," she said. In the
meantime, "that just leaves the rest of us with a better chance with the guys."
Many in the lesbian community say becoming homosexual because of a bad
experience with men is a myth promoted by homophobic straights. But some young
women say they are lesbian or bisexual because they are tired of being used
sexually by young men.
"I don't like boys; too many things have happened in the past. I love females
and I identify with them," said Dominique Hargrove, 16, a West Side junior.
Bilal Prestige, who promotes gay and lesbian social events in Newark, including
a roller skating evening on Wednesdays in Branch Brook Park, said girls are
attracted to girls because they share their emotions and treat each other well.
"Girls treat girls like jewels. Guys don't know how to treat them," he said.
Many of these young women are experimenting, said Greg Guverian, a board member
of the northern New Jersey chapter of GLSEN, who talks to teens often.
"There's a difference between behavior and identity. Some kids are doing the
behaviors without the identity. I think there's a flexibility. At 14, you can be
bisexual; at 16, a lesbian; at college, straight. It deflates a lot of
categories we've all grown up with," he said.
Some teenagers believe many so-called bisexual girls are just doing it to get
attention from the guys. Girls hooking up with other girls is becoming more
common at college and high school parties, they say. And much of it is
influenced by shows that push the boundaries of acceptable behavior for young
women, in which they are urged to expose their breasts or kiss other women while
leering guys cheer them on.
The increasingly sexually explicit media have caused children and teenagers to
become sexually stimulated at earlier ages than in previous generations, said
Wallek, who has a practice in Phoenix. "Freud identified the latency
(pre-sexual) period as between 7 to 12, but now kids are developing at 10,"he
said. "Girls in middle schools are performing oral sex."
While hooking up at parties is viewed as edgy or cool, some high school students
and teachers said adolescents who truly are gay or lesbian would probably not
get such a benign reception.
Katie Cronin, 17, the founder of the Gay Straight Alliance at Chatham High
School, said she has never seen girls together at parties but has heard of it
through the grapevine.
"I think it happens when they're drunk or high in a party situation. If it's two
straight girls, it's okay; they just do it to arouse guys. It's very acceptable
for women to do that, but unacceptable for males," said Cronin, who said she
organized the group because she has gay relatives and wanted to support them.
For lesbians, "there's a stereotype that women might be more masculine. I'm sure
this would make it harder for them to come out," said Cronin, a senior.
Gay youth advocates like Guverian and Bowman said they have been hearing reports
of a backlash against gay youth, perhaps in reaction to the gay marriage debate
and the abolition of sodomy laws in Texas. A popular slang expression amongst
teens, "that's so gay," is negative, and calling someone a "faggot" is still a
common insult. And a lesbian student in the new movie "Mean Girls" is socially
shunned by the in crowd.
Many teens agreed that parents are clueless about what their children are up to,
since most of the action takes place at home parties when parents are not
around.
Parents need to talk about sexuality with their kids, Shapiro advised. "I think
it's important to talk openly," she said, noting that it's not unusual for
teenagers to be curious about the same sex.
"And parents should talk about what's going on in the media," she added.
"Cultural pressure to do this because their peers are doing it is of concern.
The kids should be telling MTV if they're uncomfortable with it." And, she said,
parents should exercise the same control over their kids as they do to help them
steer clear of drinking or smoking at parties: An adult should be around to
chaperone any social event.
"Parents need to clarify what their values are. Maybe some would be comfortable.
Others might say, 'I'm concerned about your reputation and that is an unwise
thing to do,'" Haffner said. "It's important for
teens to understand their behaviors give a message."
http://www.nj.com/living/
Staff writer Peggy O'Crowley covers family issues. She can be
reached at (973) 392-5810 or e-mail her at
pocrowley@starledger.com
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